An Angel Too Close To Falling

I've decided to get a new blog. The link will be placed on my facebook in place of this blog's link, so watch for it. I already have two topics for discussion prepared for you guys.

It's not that I don't still love adire... i do... i just realize now that maybe that wasn't exactly the best idea for a blog username...

• Airplane
• Trampoline
• Car Hood
• Standing Speaker with the base up too high

there were more on my list, but i can't remember them right now...

Ok, so, seriously, no joke, if one more person from my graduating class gets married and/or has a kid, I'm gonna put my fist through a wall... it's driving me nuts... I know that 'normal people' wait until they've finished college and found a stable job, etc, before entering a serious relationship and heading for marriage, leave children as an after, not a before... but it's making my biological clock tick WAY too fast... I see all these girls in their white dresses with their huge similes, or in hospital beds holding their newborn... dudes, my 17 year old half sister (who i just found out about this summer) has a newborn... I'm an aunt... a very annoyed and pissed off aunt, not to mention i'll probably never meet my niece... Maybe watching all this shit combined with the fact I haven't had a serious relationship since sophomore year of high school is making me think I'm behind the curve... and i know that's crazy... but its how i feel...

Last Year I:

• Made a bunch of friends
• Slept with a loser
• Drank till I passed out in a friend's tub
• Made A's in a bunch of classes I hated
• Got  a nose ring
• Watched way too much Buffy

This Year I:

• Made a bunch MORE friends (some on my own. what a new concept)
• Slept way too much (and partied way too often)
• Learned to control my drinking (even if I don't always...)
• Made C's in classes I loved (but, hey, I passed them)
• Got into arguments and stood up for myself (only took 19 years)
• Found a part of my body I don't hate (finally)
• Got my first serious job (even if it did kill my study time)
• Started swing dancing again (happy moments restarted here)
• Wrote an entire song in my head (and sort of recorded it...)
• Kissed a guy I've been waiting for after 4 years (and it wasn't what i'd expected)
• Decided that maybe 5'1.5" isn't so bad (thanks, flats)

I could talk about all the things I didn't do each year, but that's not the point. The point is, looking back at Freshman year, those 6 things, they're all I can remember, and a couple of them will probably fade as the years move on. But looking back on this year, even if I forget a few, and even though its about to end with the biggest mess of drama that I've seen in all of my 19 ¾ years, it's still a pretty kick ass year, don't you think?


This year vs. Last year?

• No comparison

I do not handle idiocy well. If you're going to act like a jealous idiot, then I don't have room for you in my life. I cannot deal with my own problems and have time or energy to deal with your attitude. It is not your place to stick your nose into my life and my business. The fact that you seem to think I need to be "pushed off" onto your friends is... I can't even begin to explain how much that hurts. But even though I'll admit that I'm hurt, at least I didn't make an ass of myself by acting like I'm a god up on some cloud to be worshiped. You are not friends with my roommates. You are friends with me and therefore you are tolerated, but currently, I don't even think I can continue to call you a friend. Not after the shit that you pulled.

You can try as hard as you want to talk your way out of it. Blame it on my roommates. Go ahead. I already know how they are. I accept them for the same reasons I accept you. None of you exactly treat me right. But I stick around, because my ability to care is indescriminate. Its a problem. Always has been. But you get use to being let down after a while. I had even warned you about my roommates long before you met them. And still... still, somehow you fell for her, no matter how little you say it was. Like told you, I guess everyone is a bit naive like that... Believing too much in people they kind of like.

Oh, but you didn't catch that, did you? That we weren't talking about your problems anymore? No, I was talking about you that time. In fact, I was talking about every boy I've ever let get just an inch too close to me. It comes along with my "special ability" to be indescriminate. No, you definitely didn't catch that. I mean seriously, am I completely opaque or what? I guess its time I stop talking and acting like my life is a movie. In a movie, you would have understood. You would have shown up at my door 15 minutes later and apologized profusely.

And I would have accepted you. Because I will always accept you.

And that's a problem I wish I could fix.

But I can't.

I'm stuck with this "special ability" forever.

And because of it, I'll never be enough. Not for you. Not for anyone.

I'm not strong enough to be Bella.
I'm not brave enough to be Rose.
I'm not smart enough to be Hermione.
I'm not wild enough to be Marla.
I'm not funny enough to be Juno.
I'm not pretty enough to be Juliet.

I am not some movie heroine. I will not say the perfect things. You will not understand me when I try to express how I feel. I will not match up with your image of a perfect girl. You will not see me no matter how long I stand right in front of your face.

If we were a movie, all the girls that hurt you would get their comeuppance. You would still hurt, but in that hurt, you would finally see that I've been waiting for you.

I want to be the Bella to your Edward.
I want to be the Rose to your Jack.
I want to be the Hermione to your Ron.
I want to be the Marla to your Tyler.
I want to be the Juno to your Paulie.
I want to be the Juliet to your Romeo.

But we've already gone over this. I'm not strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, wild enough, funny enough, or pretty enough. In simple terms, I am not enough for you. Because I'm not some movie heroine. As much as I want to be.

But some day I'll fing him. My Edward. My Jack. My Ron. My Tyler. My Paulie.


My Romeo.


and it isn't you, as much as I wish it was.

I asked you for guidance. I asked you for blessing. I asked you to keep watch of me an help lead me through this trying time. But instead, you lead me into the darkness, and you left me, cursing me to damnation. Why have I been forsaken? I was weak. I asked for strength, and became weaker. I was down. I asked for blessing and sunk lower. I was forsaken. I kept my faith, and now believe less than ever, for if you are god, than you are a cruel god.

Just so I know I posted it somewhere:

The rest of comment #1: I know what i'm doing is wrong, and i don't know how to make it right. At least i care that what i'm doing is going to hurt someone, unlike all the girls that screwed you up.

The rest of comment #2:{and, just to clear that up, i meant that i don't JUST want safe and normal. I don't want that to be the only reason I'm with someone. I want to be with someone because I WANT TO, not just because I can. But the people I want to be with don't want to be with me. So I settle, ok, so sue me. If things keep going like this, I might even end up married to the guy (a long ways down the road, if i can keep it from fading away like every other time), and i'm sure i'll be happy enough. I'll make him happy, even if I can't make myself happy. It's what I do... I make other people happy. You can trust me, I'm not an anna or a christina or even a Beth. I honestly, truely care about this guy, and thats why I don't want to hurt him. I just don't want to be with him...}


That's what i wanted to say to him. But that sounds too much like a bitchy i told you so, and I could never say that to him. I deserved too. I deserved to say it, and i didn't. And what I didn't deserve was his smart ass, snarky as hell remark. I definitely do not deserve to be talked to and treated like that.

i don't deserve this bullshit

am i a terrible person?

[ps: please don't read into this or try to figure out exactly what i'm talking about. Its complicated and more than likely, its not what you think, so for all intents and purposes, you can just ignore this post. I just needed to know that i didn't let it fester inside me]

Amber-hehe. i'm home for the holidays right now... i remember why I left TN every time i come back here...

Matt-oh. big new york made tn look like shit did it?

Amber-not like shit.... thats terrible... i just don't think i really belong here anymore...
i kinda fit in new york, you know?
i never had that here

Matt-only because you thought so. tn is your home. will always be no matter where you roam. ill always love these hills, its the people i dont like.

Amber-yeah... i feel quite similar. i miss the stars... and the air... and every now and again i miss the people...
wait, what do you mean "only because you thought so"???

Matt-you always made yourself not to fit in.

Amber-how do you figure?

Matt-you always thought youd fit in somewhere else better, and because you were just waiting to find that other place you never really let yourself fall into place here. ever since ive known you youve talked about being somewhere far away.. mainly because people gave you so much shit in high school.

Amber-have i really? i never noticed...

Matt-i have a good memory.

I just wanted to say thank you.

I want to, but I won't.

At least not to your face... I'm too proud for that. But hopefully somehow you'll get this message. I just wanted to thank you. It may not make any sense. In fact, it doesn't. It makes no sense. Except to me. And I hope you'll understand.

I was in a rut. I dont know how long I've been in this rut, but it was long enough that, this time, it started to feel natural, being in this rut. But then you made me realize. That night, even though i was so angry at you, you made me realize what a rut I was in. Maybe I was just angry that you had forced me out of such a nice equilibrium... But I needed it.

I thought this rut might be just like the others. I make some radical physical change. Dye job, tattoo, piercing. And then I go on, because i get to start over. I'm not the same. And i thought for a second that the blonde had worked. that I was in a new place.

But I wasn't. Talking to you made me realize that. And as much as all the things we said hurt me, and even though i was such a bitch to you, and although every single thing i said to you, i still hold to be unwavering true, it helped me. It pulled me the rest of the way out of my self destructive equilibrium and threw me back into my emotions. Made me face what i was feeling, and showed me that i have amazing friends who i should never have doubted, and it gave me a will again.

A will to live. A will to be alive. A will to do something other than sit around and feel sorry for myself. A will to move on, to let myself let go. And, like they say, where there is a will, there is a way. And I will find my way.

So thank you. A million times thank you. And I'm sorry if anything I said hurt you. I hope we can be friends. Good friends who can talk and laugh and joke.

Thank you...

And once again, I play the fool...

ok, so I know I said that Alex (in Texas now) doesn't deserve me... but that doesn't stop how much it hurt when I found out yesterday that he's back to pining for Beth. My heart broke in two when he told me he got attached to someone and I said I wanted to know. I took it back as soon as I heard the answer. I couldn't take it. He asked me why, and I just couldn't tell him. I couldn't explain that he made a promise to me, and he can't keep it when he belongs to her. I know that's a bad way to phrase it. People never belong to anyone. But his heart belongs to her again. I can tell. I need to tell him. To forget the promise. To forget me. To forget the entire webcam conversation that made me the happiest girl on the earth. I never knew that I could be so happy I would cry until that night. But it can't exist. It has to disappear into the night, never to be thought of or missed. Because missing that night means missing him, and missing him hurts more than anything I've ever felt.

In order to clear my head, I'd also like to throw in some tidbits about my week. We'll start with Wednesday. Wednesday I started my new job. I work at Rockefeller Center for Kodak. Basically, I take photos of people and try to sell them to them. Woo! Doesn’t that already sound like fun? I spent 2 of my 6 hours learning how to use a fucking camera. Yeah, because I totally don’t know how... Anyway, I sort of liked it on Wednesday, but most of it was training. I did get to go up to the Top of the Rock for the first time. It was beautiful.

Then came Thursday. No work that day. Just a bunch of oddness. For example, every day in my Calculus II class, after our break, I always smell fish. The window use to always be open so I would assume that it was floating up from one of the restaurants. But recently, since it has been really cold, the window hasn't been open. The smell continued though, so I became very confused. But Thursday, I actually left the room for the break, which is not something I usually do. When I came back, I noticed that the guy sitting directly behind me had an open can of, like, salmon or something, eating it straight from the can. It was the same smell I've smelled since the beginning of the year. I almost vomit every Tuesday and Thursday so this guy can have his lunch. Great.

Then, at lunch, I got to hang out with Alex (here/Cali) and Marc (with a c), which was fun. I told them about my job, etc. Then Alex left, and this guy comes up to us, wondering if we would answer a few short questions. We're not assholes, so we do. The first one is "Is it more important for something to be real or reasonable?" Marc and I become very confused. We have no idea what this guy is talking about. As it turned out, he was talking about faith and religion, as he was trying to gather information for a Baptist gathering. Apparently, he found all our answers to be quite fascinating, as he hadn’t gotten any of them yet. But then one of the questions led to me having to explain my religion to him. I think I scared him a little. It was quite amusing.

There was something else on Thursday, but I just can't remember what. Anyway, Friday was Halloween, and I had to work. It got pretty boring around there, except for the fact that I met this really cute guy. His name is Jimmy, and he's a security guard for the Top of the Rock. He's 25ish (24-26). He's cute, and funny, and he thinks he's such a playa, but he's so not. He makes me smile. But he thinks I look like Britney Spears. I was like, "Wait, what?" and he was like, "No, Britney is HOT!" and I was like, "Is that why you started singing 'Oops I Did It Again' earlier?" and he was like, "Yeah!" It was so lame. But it made me smile. And he was telling me how much he likes southern accents on girls. Smiling again.

Anyway, I got off work and went to Loki's Halloween party. Everyone was already wasted, and I had to work the next morning, so I stopped myself at 3 shots and became the relatively sober buddy. As in, relative to everyone else, I was sober. Here is what happened. That little bastard is so drunk that he feels that telling me that he knows I use to like him is a good idea. WRONG! Anyway, he proceeds to give me his rejection speech. It actually wasn't that bad. The first time... Then, he proceeded to give it another 3 times. I guess he kept forgetting or something. He was like (and I'm paraphrasing, of course) "I'm just not into you like that. That's why I've been being an ass. I didn’t want to damage your self esteem. (Wait, what? Run that by me again.) I'm sorry I was such an ass. You're a really great person, and you're attractive. Any other guy, just not me. But we can be friends. I can help you with guys and you can help me with girls. (Yeah, that's going to happen.)" And then he feels the need to add "Why don't you go for Max?"

You know how sometimes my mouth doesn’t wait for my brain to process a sentence before blurting it out? Yeah. I managed to make myself feel like a dumbass because I said "But Max is SO out of my league…" to which that little bastard replied "eh...uh... I'm not going to say anything…" Wait. Run that one by me again. Go for him, but he's out of your league? That makes perfect sense. Anyway, let me explain how I get over someone. Usually, I can make it 99.99% without any catalyst. But, for that last .01%, that involves me hating them. I have to hate them until the hate runs out. Josh took away my ability to hate him. He ended up puking his guts out, and then lying on the bathroom floor, crying and repeating the sentence "I fucked my life." Once you've seen that, you can't hate a guy. Every time I try to hate him, all I can see is that, and all I can feel is pity. It's so bad. So bad.

But yeah, I went home, forgot to set my alarm, got to work an hour and a half late, worked an extra half hour, so I really only lost 1 hour, and I found out that Play has become a past time for me. I won't be going to any more Wednesday meetings. My Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays have been decimated. So, yeah, I've already kissed my social life goodbye. Sorry if I, like, never see any of you again. Just know that I'll be missing you as the pain in my feet gets worse and worse, and I start to hate the job more and more.

Oh, and Ty dropped out of our physics class.

The cute guy in my physics class, who I was ok with waiting a little while for because i would have at least 2 more semesters with (since he was doing a math/physics major) just told me that he doesnt think he'll continue with that major. He's thinking of switching to literature... well isnt that just peachy...

break my heart a couple more times, why dont you? (not him... the world in general)

Do you know how many times i have injested beverages of questionable nature in this extra-long weekend alone? lets see, that would be... hmmm... carry the 2.... EVERY NIGHT. sure, sunday was almost none, but every other night has been like "lets see how hammered we have to get before someone kisses someone else...

in all actuallity, that only applies to last night. i think... But last night, as we always do, the freinds and i reverted back to 12 yr old games... Never have I ever, and Spin The Bottle... I got to kiss both max and jerkface... but, of course, they were just pop-kisses. However, much like last time, the rule was implemented that if anyone lands on anyone else for a 3rd time, they had to, i guess, make out or whatever? not quite sure what was decided there... anyway, jerkface lands on me for the 3rd time, and rather than maning up, he's like "oh, me and amber have an agreement" and proceded to spin again...

ok, now at this point, i'm a dumbass, and i know it. It's like, the signal is clicking in my brain. He's not into me. I get it. I know it. I accept it. but my brain just wont shut off my attraction to him. Its like the more of an ass to me he is, the more he intrigues me, and the more he intrigues me, the more i'm attracted to him. and that makes me just want to put my hand through a wall or something!!! Why doesnt my brain click properly. i mean, i know i'm not quite firing on all cylinders most of the time, but really? that jerkface? really?

To quote Overheard In New York : "He's cute in the way that makes you want to hit him with a desk."

I was doing so well. Friday i managed to completely control my drinking.... But that was friday night... Saturday was a different story. Someone thought it would be an awesome idea to play kings with vodka.... and, knowing it was a bad idea, i played anyway, and then i was overly drunk, and then i'm pretty sure i made some awkward advances. I didnt call anyone, so that was good, and i had enough sense to have brian send me on the trolly. when it got to 715 broadway, there was this other guy there that was going to greenwich and i just talked to him the entire time we were waiting and the entire way home... he lives on the floor below me and his name is matt, i think... anyway, i really thought i had this at least slightly under control.... the best layed plans i guess...

oh, and if he calls me Jigglypuff one more freakin time, i'm gonna.... ahem... rephrase.... I would really appreciate it if he didnt call me jigglypuff anymore... unabrasive enough for you?

I feel like he's constantly ragging on me. like, more than he does with everyone else... like he goes out of his way to get a laugh at my expense, and it pisses me off. I'm abrasive? What? What? That makes no sense. You SO have no room to talk. I feel like I'm fighting sand paper with sand paper, simply because i'd prefer not to have my skin ripped off. If he didnt fight with sand paper neither would i. I've tried putting down the sand paper. yeah, got my skin ripped off. unpleasant. and i make such an effort to, like, talk to him, and to be part of the group, but i still get shut out, and it really fucking hurts... Why is he such a bastard??

ok.... so I'm sitting in U-hall right this very moment with a lot of my friends right behind me. I love that i dont feel necessitated to hide my blog anymore. Ok, max is being a pansy. He wont go do what he needs to do, and hes coming up with lame excuses. are you reading this max? STOP BEING A PANSY!!!

speaking of pansies, Tessa has decided that Ty is a pansy cause he doesn't like roller coasters. Monday in physics we had roller coaster design school, and i was talking to him about my love of roller coasters, and he told me that he doesn't ride roller coasters anymore because he doesn't like the feeling of not having any control. I mean, seriously... that's the entire thrill of roller coasters. the thrill comes from the fear and the fear comes from having no control. And apparently that's masochistic... i dunno... but now brian is gonna grade me in love.... currently I'm sitting at an F- because I'm being almost as much of a pansy as max (STOP BEING A PANSY!!!) I dunno... if i have an F-, i dunno what he gets... at least I'm actually doing something about liking Ty... i talk to him, ask him questions, get to know him, try to hang out with him, etc....i dunno....

anyway... i finally had a big brain blast about my paper that's due Thursday... well, tomorrow now... and I've written the intro, and i know exactly what i want to write about... but i cant seem to put it into words...

Ok, so i've had it brought to my attention that maybe guys arent as clueless as i think they are. maybe they just arent interested. To that, I have 1 thing to say...

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

Could you be a little more vague, guys?? seriously? I mean, couldnt you just, like, give us some sort of hint? just a little idea as to whether you're clueless or uninterested? i mean, seriously, because i sure as hell cant tell.... seriously... its, like, impossible to tell the difference... like, seriously... Especially the guy I'm kinda crushin on right now, cause he... wow... if he's clueless then he's stupid, but if he's uninterested, then he's an asshole, because he's had so many chances to let me down easily... grr, damn it, grrr....

Also, I've finally realized that i was right all along. He doesnt want me. He just wants someone. And as much as i want to be that someone, i need to be THE ONE even more, and i cant wait for him any longrr than i have already. Sure, at christmas, if i'm single, i may give us a go, but i'm not going to put my life on pause and wait for the moment when he lets me be that someone. There is someone waiting somewhere, and to him, i will be THE ONE, and its not Alex... and i can finally see that clearly.

Ok, now that i know people actually read this, i'm totally afraid that i'll start censoring myself, but i'll try to keep the same level of honesty as i usually do. (btw, if you guys are actually reading my blog, then why have i never get ANY comments???)

So, tonight was the most freeing, fun experience i've had in a long time. I posted a couple posts ago that i usually feel kind of awkward and shut out whenever i hang out with my friends, but tonight i finally felt like part of the group again. i got to talk to some people about some really important things. I abstained from drinking the entire night (a step in the right direction, finally. maybe i can beat this problem). I even found the nerve to tell them all about my escapades with the guy i posted about regreting... in all honesty, i expected judging and shunning, but it was actually a much different experience. one of my friends told me how he knew already from a previous post. another respectfully asked non-judgemental questions. views about the guy were shared in a totally non-judgy way. oh, and i found out max has a thing for S&M (lol. never have i ever is fun. :P) but, yeah, i feel like a weight has been lifted, and i dont feel like such an outcast. who knew that all it took was a night of soberly hosting a vodka party?? its an awesome feeling. i think i'll probably fall asleep with a smile. thanks, everyone, for making me feel... good.

EDIT: plus, i got called a nicname other than "shortie" for the first time :D

EDIT(2): and therein squats the toad (just for nicoles sake since i deleted that post...)

I Want:

I want to thank everyone who remembered to invite me to maddie's surprise birthday party. there is nothing that could have made my day better than showing up as the "drunk one" and making an ass of myself only to find out 3 days later that this random hanging out was in fact a birthday party that i had NOT been invited to.
I want you to know that i woke up like feeling like shit the next morning.
I want you to know that i realize that i have a problem, i dont need you pointing it out behind my back, and i definately dont need the lectures. it doesnt help to tell me what i already know.
I want to feel sorry that i hate you all so much right now, but i dont.
I want you to realize how hard i have to try to wear a smile on my face.
I want to stop being "that friend." the screw up, the emo kid, the cry baby, the loner, the friend you shut out without making it obvious.
I want to believe that i'm just paranoid, and that everything i'm thinking about you right now is wrong.
I want help, but help isnt what i'm getting. judgement and ridicule is what i'm getting.
I want you to realize that i'm not who you seem to think i am.
I want you to care about me like i care about you.
I want to be able to be there for you without feeling in the way or feeling like you dont want me there.
I want to feel like part of the group again.


I Need:

I need help, and i know it.
I need you to hold me together, cause i cant do it alone much longer
I need someone to be there for me that wants to be there, so if you dont want to be there, i dont need you.
I need to find a reason to believe that this life is worth living, cause i've turned over every rock and i still dont see it.
I need someone to care.
I need someone to realize that i'm not as strong as i pretend. i'm a terrible actress, so that shouldnt take much
I need you to wipe away the tears. the world will run out of tissues sooner or later
I need to wake up, just one morning, and be happy to be alive
I need a reason to get up in the morning.
I need to be stronger
I need to be better
I need to be the friend you want to hang out with
I need you to be the friend who wants to hang out with me
I need more than just scraps of your time. better than nothing isnt good enough anymore
I need someone.
I need just one person to make me feel alive.
I need to be someone other than "that friend" to you.

I want and I need to be that girl. That awesome friend who you cant wait to see. the one who feels good about herself, and makes you feel good about yourself. the one who doesnt want or need anyone to hold them together.

But i'm not
that girl.</b> I'm amber....

can you accept that?

i'm at college and there is this great guy who's, like, right there, but i wont
go for it because i'm afraid.

i'm afraid because there is this guy back home. well, not really back home. he's
in the army. but he'll be home when i go home for christmas. and i've been in
love with him for 4 years, and we talked, and we finally decided to change our
relationship at christmas.

but thats why i dont want to go for the amazing guy here who would treat me so
much better, and wont leave for the army 2 wks later. i just want to have a
chance with the army guy, without having to hurt the great guy.

and i know its wrong to want the guy who waited 4 yrs to give me a second
glance, but i cant help myself.